My Story, His Glory.
Jeremiah 29:11 ” For I know the plans I have for you”
When I look back over my life, I have noticed that I have never gotten the one thing I felt I wanted the most. My family. I come from a broken family, so it was my mission to find love. I was constantly searching for somewhere to belong. I involved myself in relationships that did not suit me, I disrespected myself and allowed others to do the same. All just to belong, all just to be claimed by someone. I never waited on God to bring me anyone, or show me anything. I think I just picked what I wanted and was like, okay, God, bless this for me real quick… One traumatic divorce, and 2 kids later, I found myself right back in the same place, except even more broken. Then God gave a word that shook me to my core. ” You are not here just for your desires. Your ways are not my ways. Until you come to my path and do the things that I am calling you to do, you will have trouble. First seek me, and everything else will fall into place! Or you can continue to run in circles on your own. And either way, I love you.”
Listen, it is so easy to get caught up in the ways of the world. To expect to be happy and for God to provide this happy go lucky life. That CAN happen, yes, but just know, whoever or whatever you are comparing your life to, has more to the story. Every little thing that you have been through, has been for a purpose. When you allow God to take over your life, and put him in the driver seat, it will all make sense. When God removed my ex-husband from my life, I was so confused. I could not imagine how God could wreck my life so violently. Especially when I finally had made my own little family to come home to. To this day I am still dealing with the aftershock, and for 3 to 4 years I would do nothing but go to work, and come home to hold my kids. I was afraid to even be more than an hour away from them, because my body was in constantly in fight or flight mode. Every phone call, every time the doorbell rang, I thought it would be bad news. I was faithfully going to church, signing up for whatever ministry I could. I wanted to show God that I was “sorry” and that I was serious this time about never making decisions without him. I had become a church bot, a sheep.
I thought that I was addressing my fear, when in fact I was crippling under the fear that if I mess up again, I may not survive the process. It was not until I started to develop a personal relationship with God that I finally began to feel the chains being broken from my past. The reality that this journey and my walk was no ones but my own, began to release me. I finally began to forgive myself for thinking that I was in control. Every day I am seeing that I serve a God who loves me so much just as I am. So bam! There it is, I have had my awakening. Now God please send me my replacement Boaz so that I can put my little family back together. Wrong again. First of all, I would like to know why when I start to hear the voice of God for the first time, he is telling me everything I DON’T want to hear. But that is for another day and another post…
So one night, I am having my own little pity party for 1.. and I am crying out ” Lord why haven’t you made a way for me and my kids out of this current situation. Lord I just want a family. I want to be a helpmate. Lord I want to do laundry (seriously), keep the house together, and have family gatherings. Lord I want the home I never had..” Then His voice came to me ” Daughter, I have more for you. I know the plans I have for you. My plan is for you to be MORE than someone’s wife, MORE than someone’s good thing, MORE than just someone’s mother. Those nights you cried, the abuse you’ve endured, the poor decisions you have made, and the pain is all for a PURPOSE. If you hide yourself behind those titles and those roles, you wont even take the time to look up at Me and see that your story is for My glory. It is not for you to HOLD, it is to be TOLD.”